I am so fat
Dear Stalin:
I don't know if you've ever had a
weight problem before, but I need some advice on how to lose weight. I've always
been chubby, and I'm getting sick of the kids in school calling me names like
Chunky Monkey and Jello Jiggler (cause I jiggle when I walk). It hurts to be
teased like this all the time. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Chunky Monkey
Dear Chunky Monkey,
I, too, had some weight problem
although I probably wasn't a fat piece of swine like you (no offense intended).
Well, it is always tough to lose the last few pounds. I remember when I was at
one of those "summit" meetings with Winston Churchill and Franklin D.
Roosevelt during World War II. The problem was that these were such well-catered
affairs. So you eat a doughnut here, a sausage there, and before you know it,
you have gained about 20 pounds. Towards the end of the war, I was getting
teased by Winnie and Frankie. "You're developing a gut, I see," Winston
would say. So I just told him, "At least I am not a slobbering drunk."
And when Roosevelt commented on my mass, I told him off by saying, "At
least, I can walk. Hey, your wheel chair mechanic called to let you know that you should rotate the tires every 3000 miles."
Besides, if you have a tool like mine, you need to build a toolshed over it, if
you get my drift.
What is my point here? Well, you can
either spend your time dieting and/or pretending that these names don't hurt
your feelings, you fat pig. Or you can focus on channeling your energy. Insult
them right back. For every "Chunky Monkey" comment, reply with a
"Your mother is a filthy whore." For every "Jello Jiggler"
insult, come back with a "You smell like a can of day old sardines."
Well, the last comment might be confusing, but it was really popular in Russia.
So go pick up some more vats of mayo, pick up an insult book or two, and have
fun. When you get so fat that you can no longer see your feet, you may want to
brush up on your insult material.
Stalin
