Need Career Advice
Dear Stalin:
I am currently enrolled at one of the special music high schools in New York. I
don’t want to give the name away but it rhymes with Bruelliard. Anyway, my
question is this. Should I pursue a classical career like Yo-Yo Ma or should I
work on my vocal training so that I can have a successful singing career?
- Lost in Music
Dear Lost:
I am so glad that you asked me this question because there has been a recent
wave of the petite and nubile blond girls who have taken the music scene by
storm. But enough about Hanson. First of all, there is no money to be made in
classical music. And there are no groupies and you usually have to share the
proceeds with lots of other musicians. I suggest you go pursue a career that
would enable you to be seen on MTV. Here is the general guideline for your
success. First, drop your music classes altogether. You should start taking some
dance lessons. You need to exercise to develop tight abs, firm (hubba hubba)
buttocks, and smooth legs. Also, you need to think about enhancing your talents.
If you are 5’3” or shorter, I would suggest a 34D. If you are between
5’4” to 5’11”, I would suggest 36DD. If you are taller than that, you
should really go the other route. You need to do the whole Fiona Apple’s “I
haven’t showered and don’t know how to put on make-up because I am so
waiflike due to heroin” look.
You need to begin developing a sense of style. I hope that you do not have any
stretch marks. Also, you need to tell your audience that you are a virgin
because you are waiting for that special someone. Even if you have seen more
action than craps dice in Las Vegas and have the moral standards of Saddam
Hussein, that should be your story. Also, you need to kiss Carson Daly’s ass.
May I suggest putting out? Tell me how it goes. And if you have no luck,
consider selling underwear on eBay. I’ll be bidding.
Stalin
