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Horoscopes for April, 2001

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Avoid drinking warm soda today.  While this is especially true for today, you should make this a daily maxim.

Taurus(April 20-May 20)
You may be tempted to buy the sale items at the Gap, Banana Republic, Express, etc.  Donít.  There will be bigger sales in the future.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You might be meeting the man or woman of your dreams.  Our stars tell us that you will have something sticking between your teeth forcing this dreamlover to flee.  Donít pick your teeth.  Wear sneakers so that you can hunt down this runaway.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There is a good chance that you might run into an old friend.  Too bad, this encounter happens while you are driving and she is jaywalking.  There is an equal chance tomorrow.  Stay indoors.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will be asked how one can keep a donkey in suspense.  We know the answer but we will tell you tomorrow.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
There may be an occasion where you may have to tell a joke.  You wonder if you can tell your favorite joke but it offends gays, blacks, whites, Asians, women and little furry animals named Steve.  Donít tell that joke and just come off being not funny.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Make sure that you wear some tight-fitting clothes today.  You are up for a promotion or might run into an old flame.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Today you might be eating at a fast-food restaurant.  The stars tell us that today is a good day to supersize your meal.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Today is a good day for you to listen to some cheesy eighties music.  While you are at it, you should grow a mullet.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
Your old flame will call you to let you know that there is a rash and that you should see a doctor.

Aquarius (Jan. 19-Feb. 18)
If today is a sunny day, someone in Africa will die of old age.  To prevent yourself from becoming attached to this person, donít go to Africa.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Avoid slow elevators today.  When possible, take the stairs.  If you have to go on an elevator, you will ride with people with rancid B.O.

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